Today I felt lonely and decided I wanted to eat a whole box of cookies.  

I settled for a bag of them.  mmmm.

There were only 2 inside LOL

I watched curling with my dad.  Now I'm gonna sew up my tights and watch the simpsons

Bollywood Confidential

This book is hilarious!  I just finished it.... I want to cry because there's no more D:  

I think I'm going to start watching Bollywood films.

Maybe I'll rethink visiting Mumbai..... :D

This part, on the second last page made me laugh my ass off!

*  *  *

So Raveena moved to the Regent Hotel overlooking the water on Bandra's Bandstand.  Uncle Heeru had offered his bungalow, but Raveena could not resist the lure of air-conditioning.

Besides, this way she could have Siddharth up for a nightcap.

She did, for some odd reason, find herself missing Uncle Heeru at times, and on those occasions, she'd hop into a rickshaw and motor over to his place.  There they'd feed the pigeons together and Uncle Heeru would tell her more stories.

Like the time the stone-pelting swami showed up at his bungalow door and demanded that Heeru buy him a microwave.

"But the man lives in a cave." Raveena pointed out.  "Where would he plug it in?"

Purple Flower

mmm juicy

I am so much smarter than this

What is it that gets me

Stuck in the same place

Over, and over again

How many times have I ended up

In love

And just considered the 

'best friend'

Maybe it's easier to hold on

To hope, than to face

Abject rejection...

Maybe I enjoy being the martyr

And I end up being

The best 

Best friend

With all my love and devotion

My heart is doomed

My love, ever unheeded

Unrelenting

Unrequited

Others make the letting go

Seem so easy

I, on the other hand

Convince myself

I could never love another

These country songs stirred something

I haven't felt in years

You play your guitar, we sing

Together

We create such pretty songs

The timing in our music

Is always on

But the timing in our lives

Is another thing altogether

You remind me of a million

Poems I've written long ago

How could 2 years' defenses 

Be shattered in one drunken night?

Hands held, sweet words

Warmth and closeness

All night love birds

And you tell your cousin

I'm just a friend

the most beautiful girl in the world

I'm not the me
I used to be
Took a dream's life's length
To figure that one out

I've seen your face
A beautiful smile
Clouded in smoke in the most obscure
Facets of my mind's eye
And yet, we have not met

The wind, it blows
Your lengthy silken hair
To the furthest stretches
Of dawn's fiery horizon

And your eyes
They smolder, spreading light
Diffusing through my soul
Like a candle
Burning through the night

Haitian Love Songs (Coco Rosie)

(Interpretation of early black and white haitian love songs)
Oceans wept
Moutains slept
Sidewalks crumbled to ash
Your name remains
In children's lullabies
And your eyes forever in the sky

Pull me close
Dear i'm tremblin'
Hold me tight
I'm afraid of the night
Blackness fills the room
Your love burns bright

Oh summer winds
Remind me of your kiss
Soft and warm
I never want to leave this

I never wanted to say goodbye
I'd throw myself to the sea
If god promised you're inside
We'd float to island paradise
And i'd become your bride

The countryside looks bare
Without you lying in her grass
The stream is dry
And the crickets, are silent
There's no music in the night
I'd breathe my last breath
So you could sigh
I'd become smoke
And hide in your cigarette pack

To be a star
Tossing light
To sparkle in your eyes
I'd become an angel
And kiss this earth goodbye

Destiny
Use to be
Just a word to me
But heaven sure was right
When they said jesus left somethin' behind

Every inch of this body
I'd plate in gold for you
Even though i ain't go no money
I'd do it just to keep you

Your eyes appear
In every dream
They glitter and they gleam
Like the first time we meet

The chickens crowed
And i knowed your home
My spirit ran to greet you
Before my feet left the porch

It seemed so real

My dream last night seemed intensely real. It took me a few moments when I woke up to realize it was all just a dream. Even going about my daily business reminded me of things from the dream that I really feel I went through. It also spanned ... I don't even know how long, an entire relationship. This is going to be long, but the story is worth it, I promise!

Anyway here's the dream.

* * *

I was chatting with a girl I'd met online (I don't think she had a name in the dream, so let's call her Alycia). She seemed interesting, but I'd thought nothing of it. She convinced me to do a video chat with her. I then discovered I had a webcam and microphone on my computer, something I hadn't noticed before. When it turned on, I was embarrassed, but I noticed she was really pretty and sweet, and she stole my heart quickly. I also saw many younger siblings playing around in the room behind her - she had a big family.

When I met her, we were in the computer room, which was also a bedroom with 2 or 3 beds. We talked for a bit in there before I realised 3 of her siblings were sleeping on 2 of the beds. I thought she shared that room too, but it turned out it was just where the computer was, and she had her own bedroom, which was very pink, and her bed was very soft. She admitted that sometimes she did sleep in the other room with her younger siblings, particularly with her youngest sister. Alycia was the only child of her mother's first marriage (her father passed away), and the little ones were all her half brothers and sisters. I think she had 5 of them. She mentioned that her father had one son who he'd brought into the marriage, (again, no names, but let's call him Alex) who was about the same age as us, but he wasn't home at the time.

I met her mom and her step dad. Her mom seemed sweet and pleasant, but her stepdad seemed very controlling and dominating. Not really in an abusive way, but more like he saw it as being the man of the house and preserving his honour. I didn't fully agree with his ways, but I respected him because I was really falling for Alycia. I thought her parents might not be very accepting of our relationship, but it turned out she was fully out to her family and they supported her no matter what gender she decided to date.

That night, - or it might have been another night, as my dream spanned a long time - I slept over. Alycia and I *ahem* 'consummated' our relationship, (hahah something I didn't see in the dream, damn..... :P) and I guess since it was late at night and everyone was sleeping, when we had to go to the bathroom, we didn't bother to put clothes on. Well, when I was going back to the room, it turned out Alex had just come home. I'd never met him before, but he saw me fully naked. I was so embarrassed, and he seemed a little shocked. I mumbled something like 'hi... I'm Alycia's friend Jenn..." and hurried back to her room as he was laughing his ass off.

For a while the dream became blurry, but eventually Alex and I started to like each other, so he and Alycia decided to share me. Alex's father disapproved of this and brought up the fact that he'd seen me naked the first time I slept over (this family had no secrets). For a while there was a balance, but I started getting closer with Alex, and Alycia and I started drifting apart. I didn't mind this, because I was infatuated with Alex, he was in a band and partied a lot, and I thought he was really cool.

I became a huge part of the family. At one point, Alycia's mother was showing me hospitality, when Alex's father came up and scolded her for shirking her duties and not cleaning the bathroom. She went to do so, rather embarrassed, and I decided to go help her. The bathroom was huge, and had a jacuzzi. The father got upset that I was helping, I suppose he still considered me more of a guest. The situation was blowing up and finally I stepped in and told him he was being irrational. He was shocked, but he took it well, and even showed more respect to me afterward.

So one night I was out with Alex, and we were coming home from one of his shows. He'd promised me a break from the partying and a quiet night for the two of us. However, when we got to his place, his friends were waiting in a car and had just enough room for him. He said sorry to me and took off with them. I felt stupid and sat outside their house for a while, until the oldest half-brother (who looked older than when the dream started, so it must have been a while), came out and had a talk with me. He asked me who I liked more, Alex or Alycia (since I was technically still dating both) and at first I thought Alex. The kid asked me, if I was going to marry one of them, which it would be, and I realised it would be Alycia, and that I'd made a big mistake. I'd never really loved Alex, I just thought he was cool and liked being the life of the party beside him, and I also was afraid of how much I really loved Alycia.

The next day, the family was moving to a bigger house (more bedrooms for all the kids who were growing) and Alycia was bustling around, organizing things. It turned out her grandfather had died that day. It was her father's father, so it didn't directly affect the rest of the family, but they pulled together for Alycia and her mother. I was so much a part of the family, that it was pretty generally accepted that I would be staying at their new house. I didn't know where to put my stuff, as I didn't want to sleep in the same room as Alex, but Alycia and I hadn't been close in a long time.

Finally I went to talk to her in her room. She was busy talking to someone on the phone, and searching through some papers. I waited until she was done, and as I watched her, I realised how much more put together she was than when we first started dating. She looked like a woman that meant business, and I regretted how much change in her that I'd missed out on. When she saw me, she told the person on the phone that she had to go, and smiled at me. Even when we were distant there was no resentment. I told her that it's pretty obvious I'd be staying with them, she nodded, and I told her I didn't know which room to put my stuff in, and was hoping she still had some room for me. She understood what I meant, we hugged, and the air got heavy with emotion.

I took her to her new bed and cuddled with her. I told her I was sorry that we'd drifted apart, that I made a mistake being so infatuated with Alex. I told her that I loved her, and wanted to be with her, and just her. She said she'd never stopped loving me, and although she never showed it, she was sad that I'd been closer with Alex for some time now. I assured her I was done with that, and that I finally realized how much I really loved her. We talked about her loss, and I held her and comforted her as she cried into my chest.

* * *

And... that's how it ended. It was a pretty weird, epic dream. When I woke up, at first I thought just the last half was a dream. Then I realised it was all a dream, and I felt like I'd lost the woman I loved as well as a new family. It was weird. So real. I barely remember my dreams as clearly as this one. Even cleaning the kitchen made me miss these people. I think I may have to write a novel based on it.

Sigh

Feelings Feelings
I get so angry
Stubborn envy
My will is cold
I give you attitude, but
I'm not sorry
I just miss you, but
Why do I bother
Always happening
Disappointment
You never get it
Or think you're wrong
I should be letting go, but
My heart won't let me
Maybe I'm just a masochist

More music

Sometimes really fast music is very good for pumping the adrenaline and feeling energized and positive. But a lot of the times, certain music will do the same, but in a much more subtle way. The way you only feel when you seek out the true feel behind all the songs you hear.



This song really exemplifies that for me. It's not extremely fast paced, although moreso than some of their songs. But all the instruments together, and the melody, they all paint a vivid picture to me about victory after an epic struggle. Even the name says that to me. I have no idea what the lyrics are about, and I wonder if they have the same idea. It really sounds like a spy movie crashing a kung fu movie, to me. I can see the struggle, either at a dojo, or a tea house, and the cast of an Austin-Powers-like spy movie (with the chicks in outrageous bikinis) crashing the finale to the big confrontation, and everyone having a dance party afterward.

Hahahaha. I know I post about this band everyday, but I just can't stop stressing to people how much I fucking LOVE them. I have no intention of stopping :)

Music

This song has been especially moving today



I predict tomorrow will be this one:




I think I want to learn Khmer.

Hmm Hmm Hmm ...

Today had a weird feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I had a great day, but there was that feel...
Troubles with technology
It took so long to figure out all the printing proceedures at the library (at least we know for next time!!!)
I printed 3 resumes, applied at the liquor mart, globe cinema, and discreet boutique.

The lady that took my resume at Discreet Boutique seemed really chatty. Hopefully I made a good impression. She asked why I wasn't employed at the moment. I stuttered, said something about going on a trip and wanting to start something new anyway. I asked her if she was the manager but she said she didn't like that title. She said she calls herself the whip and chain, or something like that. hahahah

It's so easy to get caught up in those little things that make me sad.
The way it is right now between us, it's a joyful thing
But I want it to change a little, in a way that he doesn't
It seems like it would be simpler if he did. If he realised all the opportunity that he's throwing away.
But.... I guess my way would be throwing more away.
My heart doesn't listen to my head, though...

Fever's still burning

Every morning since the day we were introduced, I've woken up with a different Dengue Fever song stuck in my head. This morning it was Tip My Canoe, tomorrow I think it's going to be Escape From Dragon House.

Feeling good about my body

I've been doing stretches every day. I miss a day once in a while, but I've been pretty good with sticking to this routine. My arms look more defined, as well as my abs. The stretches I'm doing are simple but so effective. Just now I grabbed my lovehandles (hehe), and I noticed that they'd gone down from more than handfuls, to just fingerfuls. The up and over stretch does a lot for that.

Recently I've managed to lose weight and tone my body in such healthy ways and without any scary body image obsessions. When I look in the mirror, I'm thinking positive thoughts about how beautiful and healthy I look. It's hard to believe that at one point, I would look in the same mirror with those loathsome feelings of inadequacy. It's difficult to overcome such insecurities, but so very beneficial. It's so much easier than I thought to keep my mind and body healthy. Eating tofu and broccoli everyday, stretching everyday, and taking time to relax everyday has made me feel so healthy and positive. Of course I still have bad days, but the good days are filled with so much joy and peace.

Today the snow was so blowy outside. When I wanted to do my stretches (I turn the TV on to the nature music channel and do them in the livingroom with the curtains wide open), I felt really unmotivated and even though I wanted to do my routine, neither my body nor my mind wanted to cooperate. So, I sat myself down, closed my eyes, and spent 10 minutes visualizing. I was walking through a path in a forest. I made sure I really saw the forest, got a close look at my surroundings. Eventually I climbed over a huge fallen branch, and found a boarded up cottage. It was a really good visualization, and afterward I felt wonderful. It totally shook the blahs away, and enabled me to do my stretches properly, without feeling like I was lagging.

So there's a lesson. Having a bad day? Put on some relaxing music and visualize a walk through a forest!